The impossible

when you think about it, most love stories start that way. Every moment leading up to the one in which you meet your future husband or wife somehow shapes you and prepares you for that person you were fated for. Any previous heartbreaks or dark days or lonely nights can be crucially important in the grand scheme of things—sometimes we need to know what something feels like when it’s wrong before we can ever really know it when another thing is RIGHT. 

 So that’s why I need to start the story with a little bit of background. The whole “girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married” model is a little too simplistic for my needs. You people want details, don't you? Of course you do.

Feelings.

Bullets, as my mind is all over the place.

Many things, right now, feel like a circle. One of those giant, cliched, metaphorical circles. I am at the end of the beginning which is the end. And just when I thought I knew it all, it transpires that I knew nothing.

all this while.

I became a real girl here, in these years, and I wrote about it. I will go back and unlock all the old posts I wrote at some point, as my life is here and if my life helps anyone else, well then that’s maybe me giving back to the universe in a thank you for the two little people it has given me.

 I feel like crying.

 I want to thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the comments and words, the emails and gestures. Thank you for being my virtual friend – no, rather, for being my friend. Thank you for watching my journey and for cheering me on when it was needed, admonishing me when it was earned. I think maybe you know me, and for that I owe you. Sometimes you knew me better than I did. At the end of my road, someday, I will smile knowing that there were others who witnessed me, and who witnessed what it was to go from someone so fundamentally broken to someone who could have a life with love.

Memories

Through all the years I have written here, I have always written honestly. Although I change some details to protect individuals and, ultimately, myself (although I think a fair few know who I really am), I really am the person you read here. I could never be anything else. After all the years of tears, self-destruction, disassociation, and therapy I am rather intrepidly me. I fuck up a lot, but at least I know that when I do, it’s the real me that did it. 

 sometimes I don’t know who I am, not really, but I know that inside of me is the capacity and capability to live a life without the lights switched on. I am not an optimist and don’t know how to be one. I am someone that trips and falls easily into depression and it is something that I will bear in mind forever. Just as I will never truly be ok with food and about my image, I know too that some of us are just born to get by with a little less sunlight on us.