无意中的离开

你， 最近过的好吗？
你，是否恨我？
你，有没有想我？
你，有没有走过我们走过的路？
你，会无意中想我想到哭？

这些只是一部分我想问你但不可能再问了。。

再见，再也不见。

Hello my beloved reader, I know I've been inactive for a very very long time.. 

I used to blog a lot back then when I was still single and available. Once I was attached, it seems like I was too busy enjoying my love life. Oh well, I think everyone will go through that period of time where you forget about all your friend, family, schools, etc.. SO DO I! Until such time as i realize that I've slowly fade away from my social life.. As a matter of fact, I lose myself as well.. Insecurities that kills, I start getting paranoid everyday single day. I cry & get emotional easily.. Things basically turn out to be awfully bad, like a disaster. A lot of things happened unexpectedly.. like massive.. too overwhelming.. Until, we decided to end our relationship..  I mean there's a lot of in and out back end story,, I guess we ended it quite peacefully tho. Anyway, I'm pretty tired because spending half of my day scrolling our 

old-dies and realize how important this man used to be in my life and suddenly POOF is gone.

Life is so unpredictable

别放在心上，只是受了点伤

体验一段感情真的不容易，是我单纯还是你残忍?  我为你伤心，你的世界是没爱情。你懂什么叫爱情? 是我要求太多还是你从来没看好我们? 我真的好累，一直和我自己说别那么快放弃但我的坚持你看到吗？难道我们真的要分开吗，必经我们的想法都不一样。我宁愿被爱好过去逼自己配合一个都不舍和的男人

The power it's in your hand

Hello, it's been awhile ever since I updated my blog. Life had bought me to a new level of challenge. I've been battling with it & I've seen my effort. I know God has been with me up and down. Sometimes I really want to give up but every time I think of that, I will remind myself how hard I started it. It wasn't easy for me to build up who I am today. 

The impossible

when you think about it, most love stories start that way. Every moment leading up to the one in which you meet your future husband or wife somehow shapes you and prepares you for that person you were fated for. Any previous heartbreaks or dark days or lonely nights can be crucially important in the grand scheme of things—sometimes we need to know what something feels like when it’s wrong before we can ever really know it when another thing is RIGHT. 

 So that’s why I need to start the story with a little bit of background. The whole “girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married” model is a little too simplistic for my needs. You people want details, don't you? Of course you do.

Feelings.

Bullets, as my mind is all over the place.

Many things, right now, feel like a circle. One of those giant, cliched, metaphorical circles. I am at the end of the beginning which is the end. And just when I thought I knew it all, it transpires that I knew nothing.

all this while.

I became a real girl here, in these years, and I wrote about it. I will go back and unlock all the old posts I wrote at some point, as my life is here and if my life helps anyone else, well then that’s maybe me giving back to the universe in a thank you for the two little people it has given me.

 I feel like crying.

 I want to thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the comments and words, the emails and gestures. Thank you for being my virtual friend – no, rather, for being my friend. Thank you for watching my journey and for cheering me on when it was needed, admonishing me when it was earned. I think maybe you know me, and for that I owe you. Sometimes you knew me better than I did. At the end of my road, someday, I will smile knowing that there were others who witnessed me, and who witnessed what it was to go from someone so fundamentally broken to someone who could have a life with love.

Memories

Through all the years I have written here, I have always written honestly. Although I change some details to protect individuals and, ultimately, myself (although I think a fair few know who I really am), I really am the person you read here. I could never be anything else. After all the years of tears, self-destruction, disassociation, and therapy I am rather intrepidly me. I fuck up a lot, but at least I know that when I do, it’s the real me that did it. 

 sometimes I don’t know who I am, not really, but I know that inside of me is the capacity and capability to live a life without the lights switched on. I am not an optimist and don’t know how to be one. I am someone that trips and falls easily into depression and it is something that I will bear in mind forever. Just as I will never truly be ok with food and about my image, I know too that some of us are just born to get by with a little less sunlight on us.

How do you fight for someone when their heart isn't there?

You don't expect me to trust you, you should know words prove nothing to me only action does. Maybe you're right because I have more relationship experience than you but doesn't mean you can take this as an excuse. Overall you're fucking older than me but you're acting like younger than me, this makes me feel that you and her are fucking childish.. You all, everyone might think that I'm fucking strong, smiling 24/7 but do you know I smile because I didn't want anyone to worry about me. People always said that me & my stupid logic because they don't know what I've been tru or dealt with. Don't fucking judge me when you know nothing. Think twice before you judge someone because you only know their name, not the story behind them. 

Fate.

1st of May, I remember them clearly.

New life style.

Being a beauty consultant it's not easy at all. I'm pretty stress about my daily sales or even monthly sales EVERYDAY. I've to try so hard to consult about the product. So sickening... It's so hard.

 I've been reminding myself that "If people can do it, I also can fucking do the same thing." 

I'm spending too much money on my working shoes. Dammit -.- I just can't get the fucking right one BUT today I went shopping with ahboy to shop for my working shoes. 

LIKE FINALLY I found this super dubper comfy wedges from polo club. But the price was pretty costly. YET STILL, I bought them. Argh, hope I don't regret buying it, lol.

Kay, I'm going to sleep right now in order to wake up tomorrow. I've to make up everyday before I go work. Lucky uniform was provided. Bless my sales will be good for the entire life <3 span="span">

"S"

My week, this week, has been brought to me courtesy of the letter “S”. The whole week.

So happy that I left art paper 2, then I'll be done with my SECONDARY LIFE!

So happy that I'm going to migrate to Singapore.

So happy that I'm going to stay with my boyfriend.

So fucking happy that my mom had approved me to move in to Singapore.

Yet still........

So sad that I'm going far away from my home. -although I'm not that close to my family-

So sad that I'm going to miss all my fucking close friends. Jade, Li May, Siow thong, Li ying, Alvina, Zack, Desmond, Brandon, Shue king, Ah Yeang, Eng Ann.

So sad that I've to wash my own undergarments, not my mom....-washing machine-

So sad that because I actually start to miss you people, you people seriously rocks!

Ummm, little bit of heaven & little bit of hell...

Behind the smile.

There are times when life reaches me out, strokes my hand, smacks me across the face, and then opens my eyes.

A couple of days ago, I decided to expose my relationship between Darren Lee & I. I know it was a bad decision for now because I'm having my SPM like two days time. It's pretty stupid to expose it out now. I was crying so bad last night that My eyes were pretty swollen this morning & it looks like someone had punch me in the eyes. -just saying-

Ohh welll, I can't even study a shit because nothing goes into my head. My mom will be pretty upset when my results is out. I'm not those study type of girl, I'm more of party hard type of girl. I'm pretty sure some of you study like hell which is like 24/7? & I'm fucking relax listening songs & daydreaming all day long. Okay, I did tried studying but nothing works. I stopped my tuition few months ago when I start to realise I catch no balls at tuition. so what's the point of spending money on paying those fees? Bullshit.

Ohh well, that's all for this post. I'm fucking ill t(-.-t)

 PS : I Love You.

The smell of rain is such a beautiful thing.

It's been raining all day long. I was as down as the sky, guess it was meant to be like this. Oh well, ironic isn't it? What the hell I was thinking all this time? There's no point getting so upset because life still have to goes on. I bet most of the people hated the way I talk or act, and do you think I fucking care? You people only see what I choose to show. So, don't fucking judge me when you people know nothing but just a piece of blank paper. I'm getting so frustrated over all this shits. Come on! My SPM are around the corner & what the hell do you expect from me? Just SHUT THE FUCK UP. & Today I need to fucking stay up late for tomorrow exams. So, don't fucking stress me up.

Don't waste your time thinking about yesterday.. You might miss your chance to grab tomorrow

Then sometimes the clouds come down, the rain falls, and the darkness seeps into that side view you have, that cloudy corner of your eye periphery. The world is a giant rainslicked smudge, the air you breathe hangs in the air, and the world smells of rising bread dough and disappointment. You put one foot in front of the other -anything else is just crazy- and yet you are consistently twenty steps short of where you need to be. Doom and gloom. Gloom and doom.