The impossible

when you think about it, most love stories start that way. Every moment leading up to the one in which you meet your future husband or wife somehow shapes you and prepares you for that person you were fated for. Any previous heartbreaks or dark days or lonely nights can be crucially important in the grand scheme of things—sometimes we need to know what something feels like when it’s wrong before we can ever really know it when another thing is RIGHT. 

 So that’s why I need to start the story with a little bit of background. The whole “girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married” model is a little too simplistic for my needs. You people want details, don't you? Of course you do.

Feelings.

Bullets, as my mind is all over the place.

Many things, right now, feel like a circle. One of those giant, cliched, metaphorical circles. I am at the end of the beginning which is the end. And just when I thought I knew it all, it transpires that I knew nothing.

all this while.

I became a real girl here, in these years, and I wrote about it. I will go back and unlock all the old posts I wrote at some point, as my life is here and if my life helps anyone else, well then that’s maybe me giving back to the universe in a thank you for the two little people it has given me.

 I feel like crying.

 I want to thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the comments and words, the emails and gestures. Thank you for being my virtual friend – no, rather, for being my friend. Thank you for watching my journey and for cheering me on when it was needed, admonishing me when it was earned. I think maybe you know me, and for that I owe you. Sometimes you knew me better than I did. At the end of my road, someday, I will smile knowing that there were others who witnessed me, and who witnessed what it was to go from someone so fundamentally broken to someone who could have a life with love.

Memories

Through all the years I have written here, I have always written honestly. Although I change some details to protect individuals and, ultimately, myself (although I think a fair few know who I really am), I really am the person you read here. I could never be anything else. After all the years of tears, self-destruction, disassociation, and therapy I am rather intrepidly me. I fuck up a lot, but at least I know that when I do, it’s the real me that did it. 

 sometimes I don’t know who I am, not really, but I know that inside of me is the capacity and capability to live a life without the lights switched on. I am not an optimist and don’t know how to be one. I am someone that trips and falls easily into depression and it is something that I will bear in mind forever. Just as I will never truly be ok with food and about my image, I know too that some of us are just born to get by with a little less sunlight on us.

How do you fight for someone when their heart isn't there?

You don't expect me to trust you, you should know words prove nothing to me only action does. Maybe you're right because I have more relationship experience than you but doesn't mean you can take this as an excuse. Overall you're fucking older than me but you're acting like younger than me, this makes me feel that you and her are fucking childish.. You all, everyone might think that I'm fucking strong, smiling 24/7 but do you know I smile because I didn't want anyone to worry about me. People always said that me & my stupid logic because they don't know what I've been tru or dealt with. Don't fucking judge me when you know nothing. Think twice before you judge someone because you only know their name, not the story behind them. 

Fate.

1st of May, I remember them clearly.

New life style.

Being a beauty consultant it's not easy at all. I'm pretty stress about my daily sales or even monthly sales EVERYDAY. I've to try so hard to consult about the product. So sickening... It's so hard.

 I've been reminding myself that "If people can do it, I also can fucking do the same thing." 

I'm spending too much money on my working shoes. Dammit -.- I just can't get the fucking right one BUT today I went shopping with ahboy to shop for my working shoes. 

LIKE FINALLY I found this super dubper comfy wedges from polo club. But the price was pretty costly. YET STILL, I bought them. Argh, hope I don't regret buying it, lol.

Kay, I'm going to sleep right now in order to wake up tomorrow. I've to make up everyday before I go work. Lucky uniform was provided. Bless my sales will be good for the entire life <3 span="span">